I’m going to surprise you with a revelation: I was a nerd in high school. Worse yet, I wasn’t the one that faded into the background that no one remembers, I was a known nerd. There are certain criteria that go with that territory of nerdom.
- The obligatory tale of unrequited love: this tall kid, who in contrast to my nerdom was very, very dumb.
- The overdone tale teasing, not the tv sort, more of the behind the back talking. One girl had a running joke about the way I laughed, apparently it was too loud for her.
That said, I have some residual issues I’m dealing with. A looming sence of paranoia that I can never shake. In my relationship, I wonder why my boyfriend really likes me. With friends, I take any slight (not introducing me to their friends that come over to speak with us, for instance) as proof that their not actual friends. But perhaps the worst result is a feeling of always being the underdog and having to fight for myself. Having to be SURE that no one is taking advantage of me by any means. It’s like I feel like I’ve passed on too many slights from my past, so I OD when I think I’ve been offended (which is more often than can statistically be correct).
So, while on my walk one day this week, I see two 20-something thuggish looking guys walking towards me on the sidewalk. I’m already annoyed because chivalry is not within their frame of reference-obviously, as they aren’t budging to let me pass. So me, with my stubborn self, put on a unit and refuse to move off the sidewalk. As I pass them, super close, super stolid, I hear one of them say something under his breath to the other. Immediately, I go into underdog mode, forget the fact that their male, in-two and it’s dark outside. I take of my headphones and demand, “Excuse me, what did you say?”
They look at each other mildly surprised and a bit embarrassed. I step forward, no smile. The speaker steps toward me also, sheepish smile. We’re close enough now. My head has a sideways tilt, one eye squinted, and I hear him say, “I thaid, I think you’re pretthy,” then he flashed an innocent smile. Immediately I felt foolish, here I was ready to go in b!#$% mode with a guy who just gave me a compliment and on top of that one that has a speech impediment that gives him all the adorableness of a 4-year-old.
Lesson: I will shed the thick skin I once deemed a necessity, every morning if necessary
